Britain's Got Talent? Are you sure?
So the whole world has apparently being going gaga over some frizz headed mental from Scotland who can sing a little bit?
Can someone explain to me why?
Now if she sang like Jesus or summat then fine, yes go crazy and have her on the front cover of every single newspaper and on all the boring American chat shows, but the thing is, and actually it's a big thing, it's kinda the most important thing. She can't actually sing that well so please PLEASE shut up about her and stop all this nonsense.

Yes she's some scruff bag loser from the middle of nowhere, but so what? You can go into the middle of nowhere and probably find someone with equal singing ability and probably crazier hair, so why all the adoration?
Well that's quite simple really, people are twats who will find themselves caught up in a tizz simply because Simon Cowell thinks they should. Actually it's not fair to blame Simon, he is quite funny so I'll blame Amanda fucking Holden. Amanda Holden is so fucking awful, so fucking objectionable that you wonder why no-one has set about smashing her head in with a brick or a tank. Quite why she still continues to deny that she's got a face filled with botox and fillers is beyond me, Amanda Love, it's RATHER noticeable and if you lie about that then you probably lie about everything else. And... why is she on this program anyway? What talent does she have? I guess being bummed by Les Dennis for a few years and not killing herself and Les is a talent, but still it's not up there with having an actual talent or being a respected music man like Cowell.

Back to the contestants. Now how many had talent?
The dancers were good (though they're nowhere near as talented as Flawless who will appear on the 2nd of the shows) and made me smile, though they lacked cohesion and need a lot more training.
The violinist is very talented though she'll suffer because everyone of course is comparing her to Vanessa Mae and apparently you can't have two similar violinists... quite why I'm not so sure. Most chart acts are exactly the same as one another, all bland and quite frankly shit. Why can't you have two East Asian violinists?
Then there was a astonishingly bad act of a man dressed as Darth Vader dancing to Thriller by Michael Jackson. The less said about that the better. Abysmal springs to mind.
Then a 3? year old child singing Superstar by Jamelia? I don't get it, don't all small children sound exactly like that when they sing? IE: It's rather sweet but you'd never ever listen to it off a CD, well you probably would if you're a paedo or summat but I'm hoping you're not.
Next a belly dancer, yeah she was a very good looking woman but don't you need a belly to do it? Flat stomachs defeat the object.
A man called Nick Hell and his fiance did some vaguely dangerous sideshow freak acts, hanging things from their ears and such. Yeah thanks for that Nick, make us Goths look even more stupid than ever, cheers *rolls eyes*.
Two men dancing with masks of 'celebrities' on. Um... why? Terrible.
And last but not least the woman with certified special needs, singing. Badly.
Yes she actually has special needs so how on earth is this allowed? She doesn't seem to understand anything anyone is saying so she amounts to little more than a freak show.

Will I watch tonight? More than likely, I'm a weak willed loser and the program brain washes you, you find yourself lying back and unable to move, getting angry at the adverts in between because you want to see who's next.
Though in the end it's pointless isn't it, the mong will win and 3 days afterwards the newspapers will start tearing into her. That's Britain for you. You got talent? YES! Now lets start the bitching *rubs hands together with glee*

Red Dwarf and Katie goes nuts
Costume, silly
It was always a worry whether the new Red Dwarf episodes would be up to scratch.
I can't stand series 7 & 8, they aren't proper Dwarf to me. Kochanski being in it instead of Lister's fantasy, Rimmer leaving, then the whole crew coming back including human Rimmer... not my cup of tea. The jokes were dreadful and the new CGI was frankly terrible and jarring. Yes the older series had piss poor CGI, but it wasn't try hard, it was "yes we have 1p half a p but you know what, the rest of the episode makes up for it".
But I tried to hope that I'd be wrong and they'd pull it off.
Oh dear.
The first episode was actually the best.
Bleak, sad, lonely, the four losers in space. How it was and how it should be.
Now after watching I wasn't impressed, the lack of a laughter track threw me and it seemed as though Chris Barrie had forgotten how to play Rimmer. Cat was forced, Lister seemed a bit distracted and Kryten, God this sounds horrid, but he was a bit above his station, does that make sense? I didn't think so.
But then I read some reviews (particularly Viper's) and it got me thinking. The lack of a laughter track worked, it made the bleakness, it made it worse, desperate. This was their lives, everyday until they died (or were switched off) was this empty. It was spending hours to find a tomato for a rather shitty gag to annoy your bunk mate. It was going on holiday to a cupboard. Because there is nothing else to do. You've listened to your favourite songs so many times they lose all meaning, you've read your magazines until they make no sense, you're checking a picture is level repeatedly to make the hours go by.

The bit in the sub was too forced, Rimmer's dancing made me cringe. Didn't like at all. I know he's like that, but which Rimmer is this? Is this Human Rimmer dead and therefore series 1 Rimmer? Is this Ace Rimmer back? I never caught which one. If it's human and now dead then fine, it's not my Rimmer, he's off being brave and getting laid. He's happy (actually, in the 3rd episode he demanded sex so it's probably human now dead).

Russian/Polish? Hologram was a hell of a lot less annoying than I thought and sadly dropped after her 'death' in the 2nd episode. I'd feared they'd get her together with Rimmer and now I actually think they should have done. Far less annoying than Jane Horrocks in Holoship so why not? The focus is always on Lister and Kochanski, Rimmer needs a babe!

Episode 2 confused me. The Blade Runner references played with my head and brought me out of it. All I could focus on was why on earth they were even in? There is nothing wrong with a few homages or 5 (and I'm a League of Gentlemen fan so I'm used to it) but when it's all you can see, when it ruins the flow then enough is enough. And I ADORE Blade Runner, hell, I'm STILL on a mission to find a square glass like Deckard drinks from when examining the photo to discover the name on the snake scale.
And um... they had the origami pieces AND the Shining ending - chose one or the other, you can't have both!
So the episode was distracting and the LOGA similarities were not good. In LOGA the characters were sad that they didn't exist, the information had to sink in and it affected them. In Red Dwarf it took what 3 seconds and then they were fine with it? Nope, not buying it.

Episode 3. Oh God, oh God no. Just... I was waiting for the Blade Runner stuff rather than the plot and again it was a huge steal from lofGA. Oh look, we can write stuff ourselves! Now Geoff Tipps isn't a very clever man yet he really tried and it worked when he wrote about his massive cock. Lister typing Rimmer's dancing etc was tiresome and plain stupid.
The ending with the "I might be disgusting but sometimes quite brave" made me sniffle when I watched it back at stupid o'clock last night.
But the squid ending was... the first time it was done it worked so so well. I remember watching with my mouth agape. it was a perfect episode and it makes me grin everytime I've watched it since. But this? This was lazy. They took the best episode they had and tried again, but you can't do that if you can't make it good. Polymorph was done twice and it worked.

I should watch it again in one go to see what it does for me, whether I can get past the flat jokes, the Blade Runner steals and the disappointing conclusion. Maybe I will in a few days. I dunno. Do I want to?

And now a bit about Doctor Who and the culture of spoilers which is making me go ARGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
In the past I've loved knowing secrets about the series. I found out about Owen Harper dying and becoming King of the Weevils and Harry Saxon being the Master and loved it, it made me go WHEEEEEEEEEEE inside and love every mention because I love John Simm and him as the big bad = idufgidgfjrgjdxgf!!!111sexxor!!11
So what have I been doing? Reading spoiler pages and looking at filming photos.
And I don't want to, it's going to ruin stuff. In fact it has already because I've read stuff and seen stuff that doesn't bode well, and some stuff that makes me dance. I need to somehow get so drunk I forget everything I've read.

Finally, anyone watching Heroes?

Jamie fucking Oliver
Costume, silly
Celebrity Chefs.
Most of the time I want to hurt them and their smugness, their fat faces as they make piggie noises as they toss a bit of green stuff in a vat of oil and salt. Over paid asshats who insult everyone who watches their boring programs simply because yes, we like a bowl of cheesy chips and a Super Noodle toastie.

Jamie Oliver is one of the smugest and makes me want to hurt people. Ever since he emerged on BBC2 all those years ago, sliding down the bannisters (sadly not to his death) of his wanky glass brick clad flat, I've hated the fat tongued twat. Even though I'm a vegetarian I want to eat a Turkey Twizzler just to annoy him. Yes kids are fat and lazy lumps butI'd rather they ate iceland crap than their parents shelled out insane amounts on Oliver's up it's own arse food.
Why I'm ranting here is becauae of Oliver's latest venture, Recipease.
A few of my friends went there a couple of weeks ago, and came back with a tray of Macaroni cheese. A tray of Macaroni cheese that they'd made themselves, and paid Oliver £11.45 to do so.
Um.... I can make a tray of frankly amazing Macaroni Cheese for about £5. And I bet you it will taste nicer than the stuff they made.
£11.45 to make it yourself? OK ok they got what was actually a nice cooking dish with it (a white and blue enamal one that I have always liked and I rarely like stuff like that, it's often like horse brasses and leatherette and I loathe all that), but still. You made it yourself and you paid that much? AND you have to go to Clapham Junction to do so.
I was there yesterday so I could go to the Fancy Dress shop for some final parts to one of the costumes for this coming weekend.
There is no other reason I'd go there (ok yes I go there to catch an overground train sometimes but not if I can help it).
A 6 foot summat bloke bashed straight into me, and it REALLY hurt, did he say sorry? Of course no. And I didn't beat the shit out of him cos he had 2 friends with him and they would have murdered me. I did see a chav get hauled off by the Security Guards in Debenhams because he'd been stealing. He cried out that he hadn't nicked anything, the hip flask in his pocket was his friends. Bare in mind that he was about 14 and so was his friend. Does anyone under the age of 60 own a hip flask?
I digress.
Claphman Junction is awful, it's trying to turn into Putney or something, but too much of the place is a rotting chav filled hell hole so t will always stay awful.

On a completely different note, i have wanted to cry today because I have somehow developed a crush on Julian Sands. Yes, Julian Sands. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been watching the dire Rose Red (I have no idea why either) and his nose has made my heart flutter. UGH!

The 11th Doctor
I had been excited, a little nervous, sad that it really meant Tennant was going to be killed off... but I wasn't expecting the rage and disappointment.
I got home after work and clicked on the Digital Spy site because I knew it would be on the front page. And there it was. A picture of what looked like a Ken Doll that had melted from being in the window too long. A 5 year old doll. And emo 5 year old doll.
Too many expletives.........

OK. He's about 12. How can he command any respect? The Doctor is a natural leader, who falls into the role with ease. He might be surrounded by the S.A.S. but give him 5 minutes and he'll be giving orders. Do you really think Jack Harkness is going to listen to anything he says? I suspect he'd get bored of being told to put on Fall Out Boy and stand miserably in the corner.

His face - What the hell is his face?
Let's take a look....

(And he has a fucking mullet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And let's take a look at this:

I can't see much difference. Shit hair, weird eyes, chin bigger than Bruce Forsyth, Me, Bruce Campbell and a bloke I saw through a pub window the other day with the biggest chin in the WORLD, put together.
He's one emo looking ugly bastard. (And yes I'm ugly, but I'm not playing The Doctor, so I can shout and scream. I want TENNANT!)

Being 12 years old will mean it's all about love and emoing and all that soapy crap. Doctor Who was already very far down that road, so far down it made me very very angry and loathe Rose. I can watch Torchwood if I want a hit of sex and lusting. And now sadly Torchwood will be the only thing I do watch.

I'd rather have had Hugh bloody Grant as the next Doctor rather than this twat.

Quinn, Harely
Work sucks. Big time.
Honestly, working with morons makes me want to commit murder.
How hard is it to do the very simple stuff, like empty the bins at the end of the day? Or book a patient with diabetes in the fucking morning cos oh yes, their eyesight can change in the fucking afternoon!!!!!!!!!
Well, if I go by some of my workmates then it's akin to opening the puzzle box from Hellraiser then closing it again before you get sucked into hell and have to get ripped apart by the hooks.
Seriously, it's not fucking rocket science, its fucking simple as shit.

It's getting to a point where I'm going to start sabotaging stuff and then point a finger. Me goes teh evols!!!1111evol!!!!11

I must take a deep breath and concentrate on next weekend. As next weekend I am off to Birmingham to see teh Barrowman in Robin Hood. Yes pantos are silly and stupid, but i bet on my life that I enjoy it a billion times more than Hamlet.
When I was a kiddie I was taken to see pantos for my birthday treat (my birthday being just after Christmas). I remember Alice in Wonderland and some weird panto about salt and pepper pots? I'm half convinced I dreamt that one, I must ask my Dad if he can remember it. I'm sure my younger brother got scared by a washing machine....
Well, a group of us in Birmingham drinking lots and generally being very silly and perving at Mr Barrowman should be much fun. Even if it's crappy then we're all int he same hotel afterwards so we'll be up all night drinking and laughing.

So I have tomorrow to get through, then monday to friday and then I can relax and enjoy my life without raging in the staff room about idiots. Work is getting to the point where I rage about it the entire evening before I go into work. It's not healthy for me. I don't want to get an ulcer and tear my hair out.
I have to hit myself and play the lottery - mainly so I can afford a puppy but also so I don't ever have to work again. Though puppy really is the main reason.

The big THREE OH
Oh noes, gasp
I have become the scariest thing in the world.
A proper adult.
Yes I have reached 30. 30 years old. *weeps*
It used to seem so far away. Far in the distance, like that far far off time, like... I dunno, reaching 88mph in a Delorean and getting a hoverboard and clothes that go all shrinky to fit you perfectly. Ok, not your Dad being fired and being a chicken, but the rest of the cool stuff. Oh, and also not Jaws holographically eating you, cos even though it's just light, it could be hard light like Rimmer and that would eat you properly. Though yes to hard light Rimmer. I loves Rimmer. Lots. Apparently he's a favourite with fangirls. When I was at school almost everyone fancied Lister. I was laughed at for liking Rimmer, yet now he's subjected to the fucking Mary Sue's? Awww, poor Arnie.

Now I have to wear old woman clothes and shop in hellholes like Bon Marche (the only reason I know that place exists is because there's one a few doors from where I work). I don't want tooooooooooooo! I want to continue to be me. To be silly. To still want to dress up as Captain Haddock and go for afternoon tea with old women. To dress up as a zombie and scare the shit out of mentals. To secretly still dream about running away with Teh Master and blowing up planets.
I'll be on adverts in a swimming costume, pretending to wash my arms and making sure I don't go near my boobies while a man with a shit tache talks about how easy it is to get in and out of the bath now that I have a weird towel thing on the wall.

All these years of being IDd even though I've been more than old enough to drink and smoke, I will now flash my passport with pride when I'm asked if I'm 18..... but I fear it may never happen again. I must look like Barbara Cartland.

..... oh, and evol git hasn't wished me a Happy Birthday. Fine. No photos of my boobs. Nope. Wank over... I dunno... Thora Hurd.

Doctor Who Xmas Special
It appears I'm one of the few, but I really enjoyed it.
Yes it was obvious in places, but then Who IS obvious. It has to be so it won't go over children's heads.
I wish it wasn't, I wish it was much richer, much darker, much scarier (although Blink managed all of these points, and Midnight did as well to a certain extent) but sadly, it seems it can't be.
Tennant and Morrissey obviously enjoy working together and I'm sure they're good friends in real life. And did it shine through! Just like in Blackpool, they spark off each other, push each other to rise above the script and make it special (thought the script of Blackpool was far far better than most Who episodes).

Morrissey conveyed the intensity that the part called for. He made you feel for him, care that his idiotic child was in danger (though only for a second. Once it showed the kid's 'acting face' then you soon wished he'd be blown to smithereens.), you really felt his pain and confusion. The sadness that he wasn't who he thought he was, that he wasn't this great man who was there to protect London against the metallic danger. That he was just an ordinary man. I simply loved it when he went into the TARDIS and was overwhlmed. A big part of me wishes that he'd wanted to stay, that he'd asked The Doctor to accompany him. But sadly RTD thinks that only women (and occasionally Jack) can accompany The Doctor. Because RTD's women have to gasp and act terribly (ok, I did like Rose for 1.5 series, she was wonderful with Ecclestone. She really was. But... they changed her with Tennant. They ruined it. Instead of the Mulder/Scully romance they made it yucky, grating, irritating. They ruined the pairing.

Tennant started out with his gurning face, then he slipped into the Tennat Doctor that I love. Silly, warm, funny, slightly deranged but oh so very yummy. For too long he's been simply going through the motions. Putting less and less effort into the role because he hasn't been stretched. The last time we saw anything new from him was in Midnight where the mirroring was brilliant.
For so long he hasn't had anyone to spark off, to motivate him to putting in a wonderful performance. Again this is (in my opinion) because he's been given wooden actors to work with. Kylie was simply dire. At least chose someone who's face MOVES when trying to emote!
I'm one of the few Catherine Tate haters - and yes, it's mainly because I can't stand the woman in RL. I hate her so called comedy show. It's like Little Britain. Tired charactures in the same sketch every week with no character development what so ever. Donna Noble was shouty, irritating and stupid. How I wished that her meeting with Captain Jack would end in him booting her into the path of a stray Dalek or shotting her in the face. It did make me laugh that he didn't want to hug her. And Jack shags EVERYONE.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't like the majority of women that RTD casts. They're so often the same character repackaged. Loud mouthed London gobshite who makes me want to claw at the walls. And to cap it off, when the WONDERFUL Sally Sparrow was introduced, she didn't end up in the TARDIS. She had to go back to her rather boring boyfriend in his video shop. How I WISH The Doctor had taken her along. She was strong and clever without shouting the place down. She was warm and my God. I hope RTD regrets that the most (apart from Kylie).
I'll still campaign for Sally!

Rosita. Oh dear God. She should have been called Rosearthur (Rose & Martha). Loudmouthed gobshite.
I can't be bothered to write about how annoying she was.

Dervla - I'm a bit biased as she looks like my Mum (so I have to kinda admire her) but I thought she rocked. I want that dress!

Ok, what would I like from the rest of the specials? Obviously I want Captain Jack to feature. When tennant regenerates I want Harkness to hold his hand. To cry. The Doctor deserves someone to look after him for a bit, and who better than Jack.
And most importantly, they HAVE to kiss before tennant goes. It's a must. the biggest must!
Master saxon should be the one to murder The Doctor. Yes I'm a Harry Saxon devotee (yup, I even dressed up as him today. I'm a loser, yup) but he was so good, so crazy and funny and fuck me gorgeous *goes into full fangirlie mode* that it has to be him. He HAS to come back.

I'm off now to finish the rest of my bottle of vodka.
I hope anyone who's reading this has had a great Christmas :D

British schools to teach lies?
Quinn, Harely
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Laziness is a disease
Quinn, Harely
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Hamlet, without Tennant.
Quinn, Harely
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